Posts Tagged "Depression"

I am lost. Again.

Posted by on 1 Sep 15 in Personal | 0 comments

I am lost. Again. I have dreams and hopes, but as I grow older, these collapse under a tidal wave of “reality”. Things have become unstuck. Nothing is quite so right or wrong anymore. Everything is about nuances, of buts…, and what ifs. There no Hegellian thesis or antithesis – there are no opposites of action. There is only grey: the inbetweens, the patch-up jobs of mistakes that cannot be undone. This is no synthesis. It’s just survival. We cannot raze society and build another on its ashes. There are too many lives at stake, too many issues to be dealt with...

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A stream of consciousness on pain

Posted by on 24 Aug 15 in Personal | 0 comments

A stream of consciousness on pain

Trigger warning: mental health, suicide intention I can’t breathe. It’s not an “emo” statement, it’s a statement of fact. I can’t breathe because I feel so overwhelmed with emotion that I can’t even tell you what emotions they are. I feel like there is a fire inside of me that’s erupting, as though I should completely tear my flesh apart to let it free. I feel like I want to scream at everyone and everything. I feel like a fool who’s asking for too much attention from people. I feel like I am lost. I feel like there is no way to make this...

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And then what?

Posted by on 8 Aug 14 in Personal | 0 comments

And then what?

The world is on repeat. A tape being played, rewound and played all over again. It’s become worn with time, the image grainy and obscured. The same game, even the same players. Conversations which go nowhere, inane laughter at inane jokes. You and I are seted on the table, drinking the same pint over and over again, each time getting thirstier, but with nothing to quirst the drought that plagues our souls. I’m seeking water, but finding only beer. It’s an effort to carry on. To see hope for change is harder each time. My heart keeps breaking over the tiniest of things, but...

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To recover, but how?

Posted by on 29 May 14 in Personal | 3 comments

To recover, but how?

One of the largest difficulties I’ve had since being diagnosed with a “mood disorder” 4 years ago has been learning how to rebuild my own identity. Depression had destroyed the person I was. Suddenly I was aware how every interest that I had had become a chore, every sense of self-worth had burnt away to fine ash, my identity as a “nice” girl within my family became a distant memory… I had no comprehension or capability to see myself as a whole person. Since then, I have spent years trying to rebuild some form of selfhood. It has not been easy; this world...

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Depression is not always about suicide

Posted by on 9 Jun 13 in Personal | 0 comments

Last year, I lost a friend. A friend who when I first met, I admired so much that she terrified me. I think of her at least once a day; she’s one of those people who has had such a profound impact on my life, that somehow everything seems a little more grey without her. She didn’t die – she simply stopped talking to me, and all those who had been her friends a few years ago. To be honest, I hadn’t been brilliant in keeping in touch with her after I moved away from Australia – but whenever I did see her, it all felt like we’d barely been apart. She’s...

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